Mom's Hurtful Rant
- Simply Jelly Jam
- Apr 22
- 8 min read
I am thinking of reducing contact with my Mom.
During our last phone call, Mom said what I believed were her honest thoughts about me. I have not spoken to her since. (This is a lengthy vent post.)
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
My Slip Up
I called Mom weekly to check on her and keep her company through conversation. Our phone call started normally with her telling me about her days. She then asked if I was going to visit her for her birthday. When I said I would be there for a few days, she asked (almost begged) that I stayed longer than a few days because she was lonely. Nobody visited her and she was alone. I did not verbally agree to staying longer, but I originally planned to do so because I knew she was lonely and avoided other family.
As usual, Mom complained about many different things including family. She complained about one of her great-grandsons spending a few weeks with his paternal and maternal grandparents for several weeks. She said no child should be away from their parents for longer than a few days.
I disagreed with her and reassured her that he spent time with family he adored, not strangers. Mom said she never took her eyes off me for longer than a couple of nights. I attempted to remind her that, unless my memory was wrong, there were a few summers where I spent weeks with family in Lubbock, Texas.
Mom yelled that she would never do such a thing! When I reminded her that she would drop me and my grandma at the bus stop for Lubbock, she said a week at most, but she doubted that.
I disagreed with her again. I admitted that my memory may be wrong, but I recalled staying in Lubbock for weeks and missing home. Mom asked, "Why would I let you go for so long?" I answered, "So you and [redacted] could spend time together without me in the way!"
Oops. I screwed up. I never meant to say his name to Mom, but it slipped during my failed attempt to prove Mom wrong about her memory.
Mom's Hurtful Rant
Mom told me to tell no one about him or say his name aloud. She complained that I was remembering a bad part of her past. She has asked God many times to forgive her mistakes. I should learn to forgive her like God has done. I should learn to forget her past like she did.
I wanted to argue with her words. I wanted to point out that I have never blamed her for anything that happened in the past. (I do blame her for much of what happened in the past, but I have never told her so.)
I wanted to explain that he was a large part of my past, too, not just hers. I wanted to point out that unlike her, I refuse to forget the past because it played a role in shaping me as a person. But I knew that would only anger her more.
Realizing I screwed up, I tried to redirect the conversation back to her great-grandson, but my efforts were unsuccessful. Mom raised her voice and said many hurtful things. Below are the comments I recall:
I am a "mean person" for saying his name and bringing up her past.
I am a "failure."
I will and deserve to be "unhappy" for the rest of my life.
I will and deserve to "live a lonely life."
Nobody will ever love me.
It is obvious that nobody will ever love me because I am still single.
I am "unlovable."
I will "always be lonely."
I will "die alone."
I am "embarrassing."
I am an "evil person" for bringing up her past.
I will "go to HELL" because I will not forgive her for her mistakes.
I will "go to HELL" because I will "not let go of the past" and I will "not forget the bad things."
God will send me to HELL because he has "forgiven" Mom for her mistakes, and I refuse to do the same.
Mom said more, but my mind and ears went numb to her words. When I realized I stopped listening, I hung up. No proper farewell. No "I love you." I wanted nothing more to do with her.
Ten minutes later, Mom called back. In her voicemail message, she apologized and said, after a long pause, that her cousin had just passed away and that I needed to understand. She finished with, "Let's not mention that thing again. OK? Alright."
I understand Mom is hurting and mourning the passing of her cousin. It is emotionally devastating to lose a loved one, especially someone you love and have not seen or spoke to in years. I wished Mom mentioned it at the beginning of our phone call. She usually tells me when someone passes, but not on this day for some reason.
Still, Mom said what she said, even if it were said in an uncontrolled fit of rage. I considered it her Freudian slip. The thing is, Mom has passive aggressively said these things to me before. In fact, our conversation and Mom's outburst was a repeat of the past.
Fifteen years ago, I accidentally slipped someone else's name during a casual conversation. Mom said the same list of things to me before she kicked me out of her house. When Mom reached out to me a few weeks later (because I refused to contact her first and accepted going no-contact), she apologized and said that I should understand her position.
Me needing to understand her position was a recurring theme every time we had a disagreement about something. For example, Mom wanted me to work full-time immediately after high school, but I chose to pursue higher education. She complained that additional schooling was a waste of time. After I left my last job for a career change seven years ago, she told me that I was a failure for wasting my time and money on degrees that I am no longer putting to use.
Not only did she call me a failure for leaving my previous job (which, for a while, she believed I was fired from), but she had indirectly told me that my choices in life were embarrassing. Some of the things that embarrass her include my looks (attire and physical attributes), my lack of a "real" job, and my collection of "junk."
Mom considered my art supplies as "junk" because she refuses to believe that I could make a living off my creations. She did not know that I earned a decent amount as an artist, crafter, and freelance graphic designer in my early twenties before I gave it all up for a "desk" job to appease her. Why? Because she frequently complained that an art career was not a "real" job and that it only proved that I was destined to become a failure.
Mom also considered video games, gaming consoles, and robots junk. In her eyes, they are toys for children. "Playing with toys" is immature, especially for adult women. By "playing with toys," I am showing people that I am not mature enough to be taken seriously. I am not worth anyone's time. Because of my immaturity, men would never find me attractive. Men would never ask me out on a date. Men would never fall in love with a woman-child.
My being single only proved Mom's point about no men ever loving someone like me. Because I refuse will not give up my childish ways, get a "real" job, and change my appearance to look more attractive, I am on a path to loneliness, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Mom always urged me to "look better." Just last Christmas Eve, Mom complained about how my lips and darker skin (I am half Filipina and half Black) made me look ugly. She suggested a major makeover or cosmetic surgery. It was one of many highlights of my stay at Mom's house over the winter holiday.
Because I frequently disregard Mom's suggestions and disobey her demands, she says I am failing her as a daughter. Mom often brings up how she was a great Mom and does not know what happened to me. She does not know why I did not turn out to be the exact person she raised me to be.
I showed signs of being a bad daughter. Disregarding Mom's suggestions and disobeying her demands are sins. By sinning, not only are my chances of ascending to Heaven poor, but it showed Mom that I did not love her as much as she deserved.
I spent my entire life attempting to prove my love to her. Last January, Mom admitted that she did not believe I loved her. I only proved my love by staying in the hospital with her day and night in the ICU last January. It broke my heart, but not as much as her next admission.
In my blog post titled the worst thing I heard following Mom's hospital stay, I shared the following:
Before I proved my love by staying with her in the ICU, she regretted not having more children who loved her more than I did and catered to her needs and wants.
She did not love me much.
During a phone conversation in August 2024, Mom said she was not sure she loved me. She complained that I do not do enough to show my love to her, and she finds it hard to love me in return. I only wrote about this in my private journal/diary. I could not process my emotions at the time, so I let it fester in the back of my mind until last week's phone call.
Reducing Contact
At the time of posting this, it has been a week since I spoke to Mom. I spent a few days crying. I did not cry because of Mom's words. I cried because I felt like a fool for not reducing or cutting contact with her years ago. Yet, a part of me wondered if she was right.
One of my friends reminded me that my mental health is important. After all, I left my previous job to focus on my mental well-being and pursue a lifestyle change. My friend suggested that I think about what happiness and sadness looked like and imagine a path towards greater happiness.
I am happy with life as it is. Dad and my dogs make me happy. My hobbies, including gaming, make me happy. My dreams of being nearly smothered to death by a gang of kittens and puppies make me happy.
I am sad when I visit my old hometown and speak with Mom. Mom's constant complaints and criticisms make me sad. Seeing locations where bad things happened in my old hometown make me sad. Knowing what I know about Mom's past and how it impacted my mental state makes me sad.
Of course, Mom has already forgotten about last week's phone call. I imagine she hopes I did the same, not knowing that I documented every hurtful word in my journal/diary for decades. She called a few times to have a casual conversation, but I did not return her calls.
The path I choose to greater happiness, at least for the next few months, is to reduce contact with Mom. I did call Mom on Easter Sunday, but fortunately she did not answer. I left a pleasant and short voicemail message. I will call her on Mother's Day and her birthday. I no longer plan to visit her in the coming months.
What's Next?
My greatest challenge is avoiding the urge to speak to Mom before Mother's Day, especially since my birthday takes place before then. She yelled and called me selfish on my last birthday because I would not make a phone call that did not involve me on her behalf. This year, I chose to have a drama-free birthday walking the dogs, eating good food, and playing video games.
If you are feeling stressed with family drama, I urge you to step away for a bit and focus on your happiness. If people say doing so makes you selfish by not contributing to family drama or appeasing a family member's demands, then so be it!
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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