I am emotionally strained today, but I know I will eventually get past this.
An unexpected triggered memory is not easy to cope with. I thought I would share my recent experience with a triggered memory and how I am trying to cope with it.
In case it's helpful, below are the topics covered in this post:
What is a Trigger?
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, a trigger "is an action or situation that can lead to an adverse emotional reaction." A smell, sight, sound, or memory that brings back, or "triggers" a bad feeling.
A trigger may take place when one least expects it. When it happens, one may feel upsetting emotions like guilt, fear, anger, or sadness. Triggers may also cause one to suffer from physical sensations like difficulty breathing, migraines, sweating, or a racing heart.
Below are some of the online websites I referenced:
National Alliance on Mental Illness - Understanding Mental Illness Triggers
Sutter Health - Coping with Memories, Triggers and Reminders
Cognitive Neuroscience Society - What Triggers Spontaneous Memories of Emotional Events?
Take some time to check out other informative resources online if this topic interests you. Even if you or someone you know does not experience a bad trigger, the information is good to know and suggested coping methods could be useful on a bad day.
No, I am not a mental health expert. Unfortunately, I experienced a triggered memory yesterday that led me to an emotional breakdown in front of eighty strangers. I am still trying to get past how awful I feel right now. I simply wanted to share some links to informative online resources and relieve a little stress by writing about my own triggered memory from yesterday.
The Aftermath of My Triggered Memory
Yesterday, I experienced a triggered memory of several bad events I knew of as a child. I am not ready to talk about the details of the event. Trust me, I tried to talk about it. But I will share some generic information about my experience that may still be of interest to you as the reader.
I answered the first few questions about my relationship with the victim, if the victim reported the violence to authorities or other individuals, and if the violence was a one-time event or happened repeatedly. My answers were short: family member, no, and repeatedly for years.
Then I was asked questions that required my answers to be more detailed. For example, I was asked if I spoke to the family member about the repeated violence and how that conversation went.
Providing more details to answer the questions made me remember things I have forgotten about for over thirty years. I explained that this family member never sought help and provided their reasons why.
When asked if I continued to push the family member to report the violence, I made the mistake of saying, "I was eight years old and felt hopeless. I eventually accepted the thought that this person was going to die."
Guilt, sadness, and anger immediately hit me. I felt guilty for being so young, ignorant, and naive to not push this family member further when I was a child. I was sad the violent events happened at all. And I was angry my family member partially blamed me for her troubles.
I failed to mention that I told my teacher and a school counselor about the violence. I believe the Principal and Vice Principal were made aware of it. They reached out to this family member to offer support.
This family member called me a compulsive liar. Said I lied for attention and made-up fake stories to get what I wanted in life. They all believed her not knowing she, herself, was a compulsive liar.
There is a lot more information I am leaving out because I learned following yesterday's embarrassing event that I cannot talk about it. Literally. I started sobbing uncontrollably. Before I knew it, I was out of breath and could not speak.
My emotional breakdown happened yesterday around 9 A.M. I knew I would not leave yesterday's event for several more hours. In fact, I did not leave until sometime before 6 P.M.
It did not take long before I felt embarrassed, dreadful, hot, and uncomfortable. I also started developing migraines. I could not eat lunch and just wanted the day to be over with.
"When it rains, it pours." Somehow managing to rip a part of my fingernail from the skin, ripping my pants, and people complaining about my weak emotional display of attention were just three of several minor unfortunate things that happened before I left.
Having known and helped people with PTSD, including my Dad, I knew one of the ways to deal with a triggered memory is to talk about it. I went home and attempted to tell my Dad about my emotional breakdown and what triggered it.
Unfortunately, I was not able to articulate what I wanted to say clearly. I could not help but break down in tears once again.
The Few Things Helping Me Relax
My Dad realized I could not say what I wanted to say and just hugged me. Knowing I have a supportive Dad who did not ask questions and quietly offered solace was a good feeling after a day of horrible feelings and thoughts.
I took a long, warm shower. Perhaps I wasted water doing so, but it helped me breathe and feel a little better.
As I ate a small meal, I chatted with my friends. I did not tell my friend about the events of the day. Instead, we chatted about dogs. It was nice to chat about something unrelated to any other topics of conversation from my day.
Before I went to bed, I cuddled with my dogs. My senior dog initiated the cuddle session. He sensed I was unhappy and made it his mission to help me feel better.
My small dog avoided me. He sensed I was unhappy and left me alone. I missed my small dog, so I felt obligated to "chill out" for him to approach me for cuddles.
I could not sleep well last night and finally got up at 2 A.M. I pulled out my sketchbook, pencil, brushes, and watercolor paints for hours of creativity. I somehow managed to make several paintings that I am not ashamed of.
Unfortunately, I cried a little throughout the day because I am struggling to forget about those horrible events from my past. I was not a victim, but the violence my family member repeatedly experienced lingered in my mind.
I spent much of the day doing nothing productive. I have watched many light-hearted or funny YouTube videos. I spent time drawing and painting. I periodically researched a variety of creative arts and mental health topics.
Candy and soda. An unhealthy amount of candy and soda. I will gain weight and be sick by the end of the day, but it was worth it for the false comfort it gives me.
I was not going to write about how I felt today. I want to avoid my feelings and forget about those past events once again. Yet, I hoped writing about how I felt, although it may seem cryptic and confusing to some readers, would help me feel a little better.
My Thoughts
While I am still emotionally unstable and quite depressed at the time of writing this, writing about how I feel is a little therapeutic. It was hard to write this even though I did not share specific details about what bothers me.
I reminded myself that the events have long passed (over thirty years), my family member is still alive, and as an eight-year-old child I did what I believed was the right thing to do by telling my teacher and school counselor about the events.
My Dad is very supportive. He has not questioned me about yesterday. Instead, he has given me random hugs, told lame Dad jokes, and bought me a meal I craved for lunch today.
Dad also told me that because I hit rock bottom, something good may be coming my way soon. As a pessimist, I do not believe I deserve good things, but I would be grateful to get over the sadness I feel right now.
Chatting with my friends is one way I am trying to cope while I struggle to get over my triggered memory. Having a friend to chat with is comforting. Having two friends to chat with is awesome! It also helps that we chat about random topics that distract my mind from bad thoughts of the past.
Most importantly, my dogs are helping me get through this. I cannot hide in a corner to avoid life like I want. I have two dogs I am responsible for. They encourage me to stick with some routine that resembles my normal lifestyle.
Yes, today is a lazier day, but it is a lazy day with my dogs by my side. They are the best companions and 'medicine' I need in life when things seem bad.
The truth is life is good. I am dwelling on the past. I will soon catch up with present times and continue with life as usual.
Again, I am not a mental health expert. I wanted to share some links to online resources I read. I also wanted to share my experience in case you find it interesting.
I know seeking professional mental help is one way to cope with bad memories from my past. If someone has no supportive family member or friend to help them cope, I would recommend seeking professional help.
Fortunately, I have my Dad, friends, and dogs to help me get through difficult times. There are fewer sad days thanks to them.
What's Next?
Sometimes you do not know if someone close to you is having a bad day. Consider taking a moment to send someone you know a hello or nice comment.
Maybe you can start a fun conversation about a topic you are both interested in. You can also do like my friends and share a funny meme or video to let someone know you are thinking of them.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam