Here are two reasons why I did not want to write today and one reason why I wrote this post anyway.
Despite dedicating every Tuesday as a blog post upload day; I lacked motivation to get this done. Here are two reasons why I did not want to write today and one reason why I wrote this post anyway.
In case it's helpful, below are the topics covered in this post:
Emotional Low
I have depression that I do not take medication for. I did medicate when I was first diagnosed with depression six years ago, but another doctor told me to quit taking it after I developed some negative side effects.
I can manage my depression with the different ways I choose to relax, unwind, and de-stress. (I also did for years before being diagnosed with depression.) Unfortunately, there are times when I reach what feels like an emotional all time low following a triggered memory that caused me to break down during jury duty service two years ago.
When I am at my worst emotionally, I try to talk things out with my Dad. He is not a therapist, but he has battled depression. He is the one family member I trust with the secrets of my past. (I used to trust my first dog, Shadow, with my secrets, but Dad has been my go-to emotional support system after Shadow passed away two years ago.)
Last week, I shared a few stories from my youth with Dad. My parents were separated, and Dad was rarely around when I was young, so he always seemed interested when I shared a story with him. I expected Dad to make a joke about the stories or reassure me that it is all behind me now. However, Dad's mood shifted from intrigue to anger and sadness.
I thought I shared stories about a paranoid family member that Dad and I could laugh about, but it turned out that the paranoid responses of said family member stemmed from something more serious that could have put me, a child at the time, in harm’s way.
Dad shared his own stories about how this family member gambled and got into trouble with the wrong people. Learning this did not surprise me, but it did not make me feel better.
Since the triggered memory from jury duty, I have remembered other situations from my past that I apparently buried deep in my mental archive. I mentioned in that old blog post that "I eventually accepted the thought that this person was going to die."
Since that day, other memories resurfaced, including memories of her friends' deaths.
I could not help but wonder if she would have received the same fate as her friends if she stayed where she was and continued with her lifestyle as it was?
My apologies if you are hoping for details, but I am not emotionally ready to share specifics publicly despite posting under an alias name. Maybe one day I will share my stories, but not while this family member is alive and well enough to make my life a living hell if she knew I shared her secrets with Dad or others.
If my friends are reading this and wondering who this family member is, let me assure you that you already know who this is.
Panic Attack
I had a panic attack while walking my young dog, Lucy, last Sunday morning. I should get some earbuds to drown thoughts of the past and what could have been with loud music. Unfortunately, I let my mind got the best of me that morning.
Lucy reacted to my panic attack by trying to drag me the two miles back home. It was unbearably difficult to slow her down. The no-pull head halter was not working as marketed in this situation.
I called my Dad to drive and get us, but I instead spoke about my feelings over the phone with him as Lucy and I walked the remaining miles back home.
Today, I am struggling to motivate myself to do anything other than play video games. Then again, I have yet to start up a game to play. Still, I push myself to live normally to maintain what little sanity I have left today.
De-Stressing Activity
If you made it this far, you may have noticed that my blog post is more of an informal rant than a professionally structured story. That is because:
This is a personal blog post I treat as a public journal/diary entry.
I do not make money off this website and do not see the need to be "professional." (But I will always strive to be polite and courteous.)
I am ranting to de-stress and help myself get through this emotionally low point in my life.
I wanted to skip writing today's post. I figured skipping would not matter since this blog is not a form of income and not many people read my posts. But then I thought I should practice what I preach.
In past posts, I mentioned that writing was a way I de-stress, relax, and unwind. Although I do not feel motivated to do so, I decided to write a rant about what is on my mind with hopes that I would feel better emotionally.
I do feel a tad better now.
It feels good to unload some of my thoughts through written words with hopes of not having to revisit it again any time soon. It feels good to get that little bit of what has been bothering me off my chest.
Now that I no longer regret taking the time to write this, I will go ahead and spend much of my day crafting and damage my hearing with loud music (via headphones as not to annoy my Dad or dogs) to drown out thoughts of memories from my past I am not ready to revisit.
What's Next?
If you are feeling down, talk through your feelings with someone you trust or convince yourself to find ways to de-stress. I know motivating yourself is hard, but it may be worthwhile to either take your mind off things for a while or spill the tea.
Maybe start your own person blog public journal? Sometimes it feels good to open up about your thoughts and feelings, even if it is to invisible strangers on the interwebs! Give it a try to see if it works for you.
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Thanks, and have a great day!
Simply Jelly Jam