Feeling Better After Mom's Hurtful Rant
- Simply Jelly Jam
- 12 minutes ago
- 5 min read
An update to last month's post.
After a difficult phone call where my Mom said some hurtful words to me, I struggled to get over it for a few days. When I thought it was behind me, Mom reminded me that she would never think highly of me. (This is an update to a previous blog post.)
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
A Recap of Mom's Hurtful Rant
A month ago, I struggled to process Mom's hurtful rant during a phone call. In short, Mom said that I was an unlovable, horrible person who deserved to "go to HELL" because I accidentally brought up one of her former affair partners’ names during a disagreement about my childhood.
I cried for a few days, but only because I felt like an idiot for not reducing contact with her years sooner. You see, much of what she told me during that horrible phone call were said in passive-aggressive ways most my life. Mom always thought of me as a disappointing failure, and I just never realized she meant it until recently.
Once the tears dried up, I decided to go low contact. My original goal was to avoid speaking to her until Mother's Day and her birthday.
A Birthday Conversation
My birthday was earlier this month. I celebrated by fulfilling my simple birthday wish list. Celebrating my birthday was something I rarely did as an adult because Mom always said it was selfish to celebrate myself. I discussed feeling guilty in my blog post about why I do not like celebrating my birthday.
I figured I might as well be selfish this year since I am going to HELL anyway. After all, I only wanted to do things that I could easily do any other day. For example, I did not want to speak to Mom on this day.
Mom called and left a voicemail at 7:55 AM (when she is normally still asleep), 1:03 PM, and 1:37 PM. She cried in her last voicemail claiming that she worried about my health and would call the cops if I did not return her call immediately.
When I first moved away from home to my current hometown, Mom demanded daily phone calls. I obliged until the first time I assisted with a conference my department hosted. I informed Mom that I would be too pre-occupied to speak to her on day one of the two-day conference. Despite this, she called the cops on me. A tired-sounding cop called me at work and told me to call my mother and tell her never to call the cops for a dumb reason again.
I called Mom immediately after I listened to her third voicemail message on my birthday. Mom cried about how she did not know if I was dead or alive because I had not spoken to her in weeks.
When I reassured her that I was alright, she explained that my birthday was more a celebration of her than it was of me, and I was being selfish about not speaking to her earlier in the day when she called. She was worried that something was wrong because I did not answer and had not called her.
As was the case with most phone calls, she told me about her days and complained about family. She then asked if I was coming for her birthday. I told her I was not going. I let her know that my small dog, Rascal, had an appointment that week (true). I reassured her that I would call on Mother's Day and her birthday. She also had a gift headed her way in the mail.
This was not the first time I missed visiting on Mother's Day or her birthday, but this was the first year she got angry about it. "How can you do that? Why can't you be here for your Mom's birthday?"
I reassured her that my Brother and his family would be there to celebrate with her. Mom insisted they would not be there for her, despite always making time for her on her special days. She said she did not want to see them. She missed me and only wanted to be with me.
Mom then asked how I could do this to her. She asked how I could be so selfish and heartless. She repeatedly pointed out that the last time she saw me was last January. It had been too long without seeing me. She needed me to stay a week or longer with her.
Mom said she needed me to be there for her. She explained that she cannot count on other family because it was not their responsibility to care for her. Mom spoke about how weak she was, how she could no longer do certain things on her own, and how she could not rely on my Brother's family for physical assistance.
I bit my tongue because I wanted to remind her that she terminated her daily in-home healthcare (at no cost to her) last January. The things she said she could no longer do were chores the nurses offered to do for her. She terminated the service because, according to her, it was my responsibility.
I patiently waited for an opportunity to remind her of our previous phone conversation without interrupting her. I wanted to explain that I was not visiting because of what she said to me during that call and in past conversations. However, Mom rambled before hanging up on me.
I should have felt relieved when the call ended, but I felt unrest. Did she even remember our last phone conversation? Did she expect me to forgive and forget? Should I have forgiven her? My mind was filled with guilt for the remainder of the day.
Feeling Better
Dad encouraged me to let my Brother and Sister-in-law know about my conversations with Mom. Neither were surprised to hear about what Mom said to me. They have received and witnessed Mom's verbal wrath before.
Speaking with them about what happened felt good, but speaking with Dad reassured me that I am not an unlovable, horrible person like Mom said. He reminded me that I am a good person whose biggest fault is worrying too often about others before myself. He reminded me that I only have my life to live and that I should be focused on making it worthwhile to me.
Most importantly, Dad reminded me about all the times Mom 'forgot' about conversations and events of the past. If something did not turn out the way she wanted, it did not happen in her story. It was 'forgotten'. Just like she seemed to have 'forgotten' about last month's phone conversation.
I called Mom on Mother's Day and her birthday. My Brother and his family visited her on both days. They even treated her to a birthday dinner. She sounded happy on the phone. I am happy she felt good despite my absence.
Going forward, I plan to call her less than I have in the past. I recently learned about the "yellow rock" communication method, a method I have unknowingly done for years. I will continue to use this method.
What's Next?
If you are stressed dealing with a difficult person, consider writing about your feelings before you have to speak with the person. Writing about what is on your mind may be a therapeutic way to express your emotions and clear your mind!
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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