Feeling Ugly
- Simply Jelly Jam
- Oct 7
- 7 min read
Identifying and evaluating one of my negative beliefs.
While reading a workbook about anxiety, I decided to share my answers to questions about "Mistaken Beliefs." In other words, I finally gained the courage to write about how ugly I feel.
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
Why Identify and Evaluate?
My therapist suggested that I buy The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D. and work through the anxiety-related exercises. If you are interested, below is the exact book that I bought used at my local Half Price Books:
Bourne, E. J. (2000). The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook (3rd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
There is a chapter titled Mistaken Beliefs. It includes a questionnaire that highlights several mistaken beliefs, questions for challenging them, and guidelines for constructing affirmations.
The belief that "I often feel ugly" stood out to me. I always feel ugly. It is a topic I wanted to write as a blog post, but I put it off because I did not know how to start. With the questions provided in the book, I believe I now know how to address this feeling in writing.
Evidence
Question 1: What is the evidence for this belief?
Many people have called me ugly. My looks were often criticized when I was growing up.
I recall a time early into my sophomore year of high school when three guys shoved me, a short-mixed Black and Filipino female, against my locker to repeatedly call me a hideous "gorilla girl." They pointed out my physical flaws from my clothing choice to my acne. (If you are wondering, yes, I reported the incident to a counselor, but they did not offer to do anything about it because I lacked evidence and did not know these guys or their names.)
A former colleague and I sometimes hung out after work hours. Unfortunately, some of our get-togethers were her sneaky attempt to set me up on a blind date. Once the guy arrived, she would greet him, wish me luck, and abandon me. A few of my "blind dates" complained about my appearance and expressed that I was visually undesirable to men before abandoning me on my unexpected solo outing.
Fortunately, it has been decades since strangers called me ugly. Unfortunately, my Mom still consistently reminds me that I am ugly.
Mom always "cared" about my appearance. As a minor, I had no say in how I looked. Mom styled my hair and chose my attire. Because of my lack of freedom in this area, I learned to hate dresses, miniskirts, tight-fitting outfits, and the color pink (although I learned to love this color as an older adult).
As an adult, she frequently complained about my hair, attire, and physical attributes. My skin and lip color come up in conversation A LOT. She has encouraged me to find ways to lighten my skin and lips because it makes me look ugly.
Mom especially hates it when I wear my hair naturally. She is a firm believer that my kinky/curly hair makes me look unkempt. She also hates it when I cut my hair to shoulder length or shorter. Mom once told me that my "lazy look" embarrasses her, even if we are not going out in public together.
Truth
Question 2: Does this belief invariably or always hold true for me?
I believe there is some truth in this belief because I still have acne as an adult. Many people consider adult acne unattractive. I had severe allergic reactions to many acne medications I used in the past. I never found an effective product before I quit trying new ones. I decided to accept my blemishes as is. I do not wear makeup because I want people to see the real me, even though I feel ugly because of my acne.
Otherwise, I love my hairstyle, attire, and skin color. I like who I am on the inside. I am proud of the person I became despite negative influences from my past.
So, no, I guess it does not invariably or always hold true for me.
Ramifications
Question 3: Does this belief look at the whole picture? Does this belief take into account both positive and negative ramifications?
I admit that I did not fully understand this question. Instead, I decided to answer my Dad's questions.
Dad rephrased it this way for me: Does your belief represent all of you? How do others perceive the way you look? How do you know for certain?
No, my belief does not represent me as a whole. It is only a small tidbit of who I am on the surface. It is the book cover while the rest of me is the book's content. Putting it that way, I realized that there are many people who do not think I look disgustingly hideous.
Remember those guys that called me "gorilla girl" in high school? They snuck into my art class senior year to apologize for their actions that day when they shoved me against my locker.
They confessed that they all had a crush on me but did not know how to handle their feelings. They asked if I would consider dating any one of them. I laughed out loud but cried when the teacher noticed and kicked them out of the classroom. Why be so mean to someone you think you like?! That discussion took an emotional toll on me despite learning that they never actually thought I was ugly.
I dated men who asked me out. I realize they would not have asked if they did not consider me somewhat attractive. I felt beautiful knowing that someone was interested in learning more about me and because they were not embarrassed to be seen with acne-faced me in public.
I have also had people tell me that I had an "attractive personality," but that my chances of finding love were minimal because of my looks. Of course, this was a hit to my already low self-esteem.
Mindset
Question 4: Does this belief promote my well-being and/or peace of mind?
No, this belief does not promote any positivity. My self-esteem is low. I always feel embarrassed to go out in public. Sometimes I want to avoid people.
But I still go out when I need or want to. I must shop for necessities, attend appointments, and walk the dogs regularly. I am nowhere close to wanting to become an anti-social hermit. I am not going to avoid people or public spaces because I "feel" ugly. It just takes effort to stop myself from worrying about how ugly I look or if strangers believe I am an ugly sight to see.
Experience
Question 5: Did I choose this belief on my own or did it develop out of my experience of growing up in my family?
As I previously mentioned in answer to the first question, Mom influenced how I felt about myself by denying me any input on how I looked growing up.
When I developed acne during my adolescence, Mom - who was anti-healthcare - scheduled repeated appointments with a dermatologist. The dermatologist prescribed several medications that negatively impacted my health.
The worst was a pill that damaged my stomach lining and caused gastrointestinal distress. I explained this to Mom and the dermatologist.
The dermatologist insisted that it took months for the medication to take effect and keep with it. After several months with no visible improvements, he increased the dosage.
Mom administered the medication to make sure I did not miss it or spit it out of mouth. She would inspect my mouth to make sure I did not slide the pill under my tongue or between my teeth and inner wall (yes, I tried this when I realized my health issues were caused by this medication). She also counted the pills regularly to make sure I was not discarding them behind her back (yes, I tried this, too).
Because I was doing something wrong according to Mom, I was forced to take this gut-hurting medication from ages fourteen to eighteen. Thanks to that experience of pain, I now have a damaged stomach.
Affirmation
An affirmation is encouraged after answering the five questions for challenging mistaken beliefs. The author said that affirmations "should be short, simple, and direct."
When I started writing this blog post, I struggled to think of an affirmation. I always felt ugly. I accepted this as a "fact" my entire life. It has been over ten years since I last felt pretty.
Now that I answered the questions in writing, I realized that people do not necessarily see myself the way that I see myself. I recalled other "evidence" from my past that I chose not to write about. Several were positive.
I am not ugly [to everyone].
What's Next?
Well, I did not expect that writing this post would change how I viewed myself nor how I reflected on past events. I guess challenging the way I thought about my looks encouraged me to think about things differently. And to think that I started answering these questions because I could not think of another blog topic to write about.
Do I still feel ugly? Yes. But I realize that my feelings are based on emotional reactions to negative experiences and Mom's constant nagging about my appearance. I need to work on my self-esteem.
If you are struggling with a negative belief about yourself, consider writing it out. You can refer to the questions I answered or decide on your own pros and cons list. Who knows? Maybe writing will open your eyes to a new perspective!
Comment below to share a personal belief you are trying to change you opinion on!
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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