My First Month of Therapy
- Simply Jelly Jam
- Sep 30
- 8 min read
I never thought I would go.
After an emotionally chaotic first half of the year dealing with health concerns, recalling negative childhood memories, and listening to my Mom's constant complaints about me, I finally caved in and sought out therapy. I wanted to share my first month's experience (four sessions).
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
Mini Disclaimer
My therapy experience and thoughts may (and most likely will) differ from yours and others' experiences and thoughts.
I am not a professional who knows what I am talking about when it comes to therapy. I am still learning! I wanted to share my experience in case it may be relatable (or somewhat interesting) to anyone reading this.
If you are thinking about seeking therapy/counseling, I wish you all the best. Consider checking with your health insurance and/or primary care provider first in case they can provide you with some guidance.
Finding a Therapist
After years of telling myself that 'my past is behind me,' I finally did it. I sought out therapy with hopes of learning how to handle my memories and current stresses.
Fortunately, I knew to reach out to my primary care physician (PCP) for guidance. I sent a message requesting a referral. I was provided with a list of local providers and their services.
I first went through the list and disregarded the providers that did not fit my wants. Below were things I knew I wanted if I went through with therapy:
I wanted a licensed provider. Several offices only had doctoral students or student interns, although I imagine that they are qualified to provide the services offered.
I wanted a provider who accepted my health insurance plan. Therapy is NOT cheap and not financially feasible for me to pay out-of-pocket.
I wanted a provider who offered face-to-face sessions locally. I did not want to drive a long distance to attend sessions. Some providers only met with patients virtually. While that may be ideal for some people, I worried that I would become distracted easily during a virtual session since I was second-guessing my decision to seek professional help. I knew I would take this seriously and be more focused about my mental health if I met with someone in-person.
I wanted a provider that offered individual sessions. With my social anxiety, I did not believe that group therapy would prove helpful.
Once I narrowed my options, I spent time reviewing providers' websites. I read mission statements, frequently asked questions, blog posts (if any), and services/specialties offered.
I knew I wanted anxiety therapy, but I also considered providers who also specialized in PTSD therapy as suggested by my PCP. Knowing which services that I wanted to consider further narrowed my options.
After some thought, I decided on a provider I wanted to try. I knew, from hearing others' experiences with therapy, that I may need to 'jump' from provider-to-provider until I found the right one for me.
I was advised to contact the provider directly and let the clinic know before my first appointment so that a referral could be sent over. To my surprise, I my first session was scheduled for the next day.
First Session
I arrived not wanting to be there. I regretted my decision to seek professional help thinking about how it was a waste of my time. I wanted to turn around and walk away.
The first session was a lot like an introductory icebreaker and evaluation. My therapist introduced herself, shared her credentials, and briefly described her approach to therapy.
She then asked me a series of questions related to my educational background, professional experiences, and medical history. I answered honestly and elaborated with details when asked to do so.
When anxiety came up in conversation, my therapist asked for an example of why I believed I had anxiety. As I shared my emotional breakdown during two separate jury duty days (see the Related Posts section below), I had an emotional breakdown in her office. I sobbed as I recalled the triggered memory related to the court cases described during those days.
My therapist asked several follow-up questions which led me down a rabbit hole of negative childhood memories that I have never told a soul.
When I started bringing up one memory, she stopped me and explained patient confidentiality and her legal rights to press charges on my behalf despite certain things happening over thirty years ago.
This caught me off-guard as I figured nothing could happen with my retelling this story since it was so long ago in my past. I also knew that it would be my word against the adult-in-question. The adult-in-question always denied my accusations.
I learned that even if I did not want to press charges against someone who made me uncomfortable decades ago, my therapist had the right to press charges on my behalf to legally keep the child abuser away from children going forward in life.
Because I had several mental breakdown moments during our one-hour session, my therapist scheduled another session the next week to cover the remaining evaluation questions we did not get to.
I sat in my vehicle crying before I felt calm enough to drive home. I regretted seeking therapy. I felt guilty for recalling childhood memories I once swore to forget about. I briefly thought about cancelling the next session to avoid wasting my time and hers, but I decided to give it another try just in case it got better.
I suffered with a migraine for several days.
Second Session
I arrived not wanting to be there. I worried that I would have another tearful emotional breakdown during the session. I hated crying, especially in front of another person. I wanted to turn around and walk away.
My therapist asked the remaining questions we did not get to during the first session. I again answered honestly, providing examples and elaborating when she prompted me to do so. Tears were shed as I recalled other childhood memories that I previously ignored.
Halfway through the session, my therapist said that she felt ready to move on to a treatment plan for my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). When she asked if I agreed, I simply asked, "What?!"
I struggled to accept that I was being diagnosed with CPTSD. I wanted help with learning how to deal with my social anxiety, not be told that I had childhood trauma that led to me having depression and severe anxiety. I never imagined that I would ever be diagnosed with the letter "C" attached to the front of the letters "PTSD."
During the first session, my therapist said we could strive for monthly sessions if needed. At the end of the second session, she scheduled me for weekly sessions through the end of the year. In December, we would reevaluate my needs for therapy.
I again cried in my vehicle before I felt comfortable enough to drive home. I felt lost and confused. Despite her explaining how I exhibited clear signs of CPTSD, I still wondered how it could be.
What is funny to me is the fact that my YouTube recommended CPTSD, anxiety, and narcissist mother videos several weeks ago. Apparently, Google (or my secretly assigned NSA or FBI agent) saw the signs before I considered seeking professional help.
When I told my Dad about my diagnosis when I returned home, he said, "I knew it." Dad, my friends, and former colleagues suggested therapy/counseling when they heard stories about Mom and my childhood. I felt guilty for disregarding their words all these years.
Third Session
I arrived not wanting to be there. I knew that I would have another tearful and emotionally draining session. Crying was anything but stress-relieving. I wanted to turn around and walk away.
It was during the third session that I realized attending therapy was like customized private tutoring. After our initial pleasantries, my therapist gave me a lecturette about the four types of negative self-talk. This transitioned into a longer discussion about how people with PTSD tend to worry. Yes, I am a worrier.
We discussed things that I worried about regularly. I silently considered myself a paranoid weirdo for years, but it is all just my worrisome nature stemming from my CPTSD. My biggest worry as of late was wondering how to handle the day Mom eventually called to ask why I stopped talking to her.
The session ended with my therapist providing me with a "Worry Worksheet" to determine if something was worth worrying about. It also included a three-step plan for handling a scenario where my worries became reality.
I left the session wondering if therapy was a waste of my time and money (co-pay). Could I have easily and freely found the same information with a quick online search? At least it started to feel good to get things from my past off my chest when I had an opportunity to do so during the session.
Fourth Session
I arrived curious to see what would happen. What lecturette would she give me? What would we talk about? What suppressed childhood memory would resurface? I did not want to cry and feel emotionally exhausted, although I expected it to be my reality, but my curiosity got the best of me. For the first time, I wanted to be there.
When my therapist asked how I was feeling after our previous session, I described a moment of weakness when I screamed because my desktop computer crashed and wiped clean. I expressed that it was a trivial thing and my reaction was unexpected.
I did not get angry. I did not scream. But I screamed when a Microsoft update corrupted files preventing me from playing The Sims 4 or Planet Coaster that evening to relieve stress. (My desktop PC is a gaming setup for demanding video games. I used my laptop for important things and simple puzzle games that do not require a powerful system. My laptop was not negatively impacted by the update. I had no reason to get so upset.)
My therapist asked how my Dad reacted to my outburst. I said that he pulled me in for a long, which turned into a group hug when my German Shepard mix felt excluded. Dad reminded me that he has been through what I was going through. He knew I felt overwhelmed and that emotional outbursts were going to happen until I accepted myself as is.
My therapist said, "Good. You are healing." She explained that I have suppressed my feelings for too long and my body had to react. As the book she suggested I read stated, "When you're under stress... it may not take much to set you off."
She discussed the cons of withholding my feelings and ways I could become assertive. At the end of the session, she suggested I read latest edition of The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D. I found an older edition from my local Half Price Books for cheap. Below is the edition I bought:
Bourne, E. J. (2000). The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook (3rd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
What's Next?
I still wonder if going to therapy is worth my time. A part of me believes that I can easily find the information my therapist shares with me online for free. But how long would it have taken me to find that information? Another part of me is grateful that I have someone to talk to without worrying about how selfish I am for talking about myself.
I will continue with therapy through the end of the year. In December, I will privately reevaluate if therapy proved beneficial for my mental health.
Tap the red heart below to let me know if you want a follow-up to my thoughts and experience with therapy. I could post my decision on continuing or cancelling in December or January if anyone seems interested. For now, I thank you for letting me share my journey with you!
Comment below to share your initial thoughts about therapy!
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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