Feeling Unmotivated Once Again

Simply Jelly Jam
30 minutes ago
4 min read

My mind wants to ruminate on past events instead of brainstorming a blog post idea.

Once again, I lack the motivation to do much of anything. Since I do not want to skip an upload day, I decided to write about a few things on my mind.

In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:

Feeling Like an Inadequate Failure
Feeling Mentally Exhausted
Finding Motivation
What's Next?

Feeling Like an Inadequate Failure

The most challenging mindset that I am dealing with this week is this overwhelming feeling that I am an inadequate failure in many aspects of my life. I worry that anything I do is not good enough.

For example, I feel like a failed dog owner. Sometimes I feel like my dogs deserve better than me, especially when I struggle with training my loud German Shepard mix to be quiet or fail to notice that my Chihuahua mix had a bright red rash develop on his underside overnight. I feel like a more attentive dog owner would do a better and faster job of addressing their dogs' needs.

I spoke with my therapist about feeling like a failed dog owner. She helped me see things differently, but I am still processing the thought that I am not a failure. I am doing my best and not giving up right away. I am making the effort to learn and adapt as needed.

No, I do not always feel like a failure. I realize that I have had many successes in life. I have also had some fails in life, and that is okay. Failing does not normally bother me, but it is something lingering on my mind now.

I am sure the feeling will pass. For now, this feeling demotivates me from working on making meaningful improvements in my life. I sometimes wonder, 'What's the point of doing anything when I won't do it well enough?'

Feeling Mentally Exhausted

My Mom is the embodiment of unnecessary drama. Drama mama lives in my head rent free, especially on days when she calls demanding attention.

Last year, I decided to minimize contact with Mom. Instead of the daily phone calls and monthly visits she demanded for years, I minimized contact with weekly phone calls. I only visited her when absolutely necessary or when I chose to visit my brother and his family (same city).

This year, after several stressful conversations, I decided to minimize phone calls even further. I intended to call on holidays and visit for Mother's Day and her birthday.

Drama mama did not like this decision. Last Wednesday, Mom yelled (literally) about how I am not giving her the attention she deserved. A good daughter thinks about their mother before themselves. I was raised 'better than this.'

Mom also complained that she needed to know everything about me and my daily routine. She wanted to know about appointments, outings, social activities, and more. Failing to talk to her more frequently meant that I was missing or dead.

Talking to Mom is like talking to a toddler with a short attention span. I kept repeating myself to her when she did not accept my answer to her questions or demands. She would rephrase questions or statements in hopes of getting me to change my words, only to get frustrated with hearing the same things repeatedly.

For example, Mom insisted that my Dad has a gambling problem. I kept reminding her that she was the one with a gambling problem, not Dad. She would bring up times when Dad went to a casino. I reminded Mom that he only went to a casino to drive her there whenever she wanted to gamble. She insisted that I was wrong.

Mom's entitlement, lies, and fabricated narratives are too much to deal with. I am tired of Mom telling me that my needs and wants are insignificant compared to her. I am tired of her complaining that nobody gives her the attention she deserves.

I am tired of Mom attempting to control my life by telling me what to do. I am tired of her believing that she has control over my choices in life. I am tired of her constant criticism about how I am abandoning her by living the life she did not approve of.

I am tired of her changing stories of the past to make herself look like a saint or martyr. I am tired of her of listening blame others for her own wrongdoings.

I am tired of her. I am mentally exhausted.

Finding Motivation

Today, I am not motivated to write about a memory, a weird holiday I find fascinating, or a silly pet story. In fact, I am not motivated to do anything leisurely.

Yet I know the importance of distraction and stress relief firsthand. I cannot let my negative mindset (and depression) shut me down completely.

I need to keep my daily routine going. I need to make time for leisure activities. I need to focus on positive behaviors to overpower the negativity I allowed to flood my mind.

I could have skipped posting this week, but I am hopeful that writing this post served as a stress relieving activity. Maybe I will feel a tiny sense of accomplishment after I click the "publish" button. Maybe that would be enough to get me feeling motivated again.