Lacking Motivation to Write

My mind is preoccupied.

Stressed Woman (Media from Wix)

Despite dedicating every Tuesday to writing a blog post, I lack motivation to think of a topic to focus on. Since I do not want to skip an upload day, I decided to write about a few things that are on my mind.

In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:

• Guilt and Regret

• A Recent Triggered Memory

• Motivating Myself to Write After All

• What's Next?

Guilt and Regret

Last April, I wrote about Mom's Hurtful Rant during a phone conversation. When she asked a question, I mistakenly mentioned a name from the past. Because I knew Mom never wanted to hear that name again, she ranted about how I am a horrible person.

Since that phone conversation, we have argued about that call and other things. She even said a few of the same things from that hurtful rant because I chose to hold a grudge about it instead of forgiving, forgetting, and moving on like a good daughter. I went low contact for several weeks, but then she reached out and complained that I was selfish and did not love her.

While I do not feel guilty for minimizing phone calls to Mom, I regret mentioning that name. At the time, I said the name to answer a question. Yet, I always knew that Mom hated that person. I should have known better than to say it out loud. I regret not ignoring the question or hanging up when Mom pressed for an answer.

I also felt guilty about possibly not remembering her rant accurately. For months, Mom repeatedly complained that I misheard what she said during April's phone conversation. She complained that I often remember things incorrectly. I initially assured her that I wrote down her words and the details of the conversation immediately after I hung up.

Dad, who lives with me, heard part of Mom's rant. I told my brother and sister-in-law the detailed version of the phone conversation. I wrote a 'lite' version of it for my blog post to vent about how it made me feel as a self-therapy activity.

Still, I now have moments when I wonder if Mom was right. Did I listen to her rant clearly (despite her repeating a few of those statements recently)? Did I mishear some of her words? Is my subconscious over-exaggerating details of the phone conversation because I resent how Mom raised me?

Dad reassured me that I remembered the phone conversation correctly, especially since he heard part of Mom's rant. However, Mom's words about how I do not remember things accurately made me wonder if a recent triggered memory was a figment of my imagination.

A Recent Triggered Memory

An exceptionally uncomfortable memory that I "resurfaced" earlier this year. Once I remembered the event, I realized I suppressed the memory with hopes of never remembering it. It triggered feelings of discomfort, fear, lack of trust, and tearful nights.

The memory made me so uncomfortable that I had not told Dad about it. I usually tell Dad everything. He is the person I go to when my mind is racing with bad memories and emotions. However, I believe this is not something I should say aloud when I am questioning the validity of my memory.

However, with Mom's words about how I do not remember things accurately it made me wonder if this memory was a figment of my imagination. I can visualize everything that happened in my mind, but how much of it is accurate? Did any part of the memory actually happen?

My memory was so bad that I am struggling to convince myself that I remembered it correctly. It is difficult for me to believe that it was real. In fact, I want to believe it never happened, but the memory will not go away.

I fear that I should have mentioned the event to someone like Dad when I was a child. I now feel anxious wondering if I should build the courage to tell someone like Dad or keep the memory to myself.

Motivating Myself to Write After All

My feelings of guilt and regret, along with an uncomfortable memory that triggered anxiety, is emotionally draining. Because of this, I lack motivation to do much of anything that I enjoy doing. I debated skipping a post this week to wallow in self-pity or do more important things like cleaning the house from floor to ceiling.

So, why did I write a blog post anyway? Well, I hated the thought of skipping an upload when I am not ill. I dealt with/recovered from sepsis and septic shock the last time I missed an upload. I decided to write about something this week since I was physically well enough to do so.

I am glad that I wrote this post after all. It feels good to organize my current thoughts into words. While I did not give details about everything, and some things probably came across as confusing, writing about my feelings helped me de-stress a bit. My mind is more at ease today.

What's Next?

If you, too, are feeling unmotivated, consider writing down your feelings to de-stress. Maybe start a journal or diary to express your private thoughts. You may deal with multiple emotions while you write, but you may feel a tad better when you finish.

Comment below to share how you motivate yourself when you feel like shutting down.

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Thanks, and have a great day!

~Simply Jelly Jam