My Worry Came True

This is a follow-up to a previous post about a worrying activity.

Stressed Woman (Media from Wix)

A few weeks ago, I shared how I worried about my Mom asking a specific question. Well, my worry came true, leaving me an emotional wreck for that weekend. (This is a very lengthy vent post.)

In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:

• Recap of My Worry

• First Phone Call

• Second Phone Call

• Home Visit

• Social Anxiety

• My Therapist's Request

• What's Next?

Recap of My Worry

When I wrote about my answers to a "worry worksheet" a few weeks ago, I mentioned that my main worry was about how my Mom would potentially pressure me to explain why I have reduced contact with her this year.

I worried about her question coming up because she already asked it numerous times this year. Every time I answered, she would scream about me being a liar and complain about how I was being inconsiderate of her feelings.

Despite my worry, a part of me realized that there was a chance that Mom would not bring up the topic in fear of me leaving sooner than she preferred. While I did not say it directly in that blog post, I worried about Mom "love-bombing" me.

Deep down I knew that if she love-bombed me, it would not be genuine. It is weird to hear her give me a compliment when she criticized me my entire life.

First Phone Call

I planned on going to Mom's house on a Friday afternoon. I called to confirm that she still wanted me to arrive, except I hesitated to ask the question.

Mom spent the first several minutes complaining about family like usual. She mentioned that my pregnant niece planned to visit her that evening, but she knew my niece (her granddaughter) would "forget" about her.

Mom then asked me to take a couple of gift bags to my niece's baby shower the next day. Mom refused to attend and relied on me to deliver the gifts since I planned on going.

I said I could do that, but I asked why she could not give the gifts to my niece that evening. Mom started yelling (no, I am not exaggerating when I use the words "yell" or "scream") about how I refused to do "this one thing" for her. I told her that I did not mind taking the gift to the baby shower the next day, but I was curious to know why she could not give it to my niece, the recipient of the gift, that evening.

The yelling stopped when Mom finally asked why I had not spoken to or visited her like I used to. I tried to redirect the conversation, but she pressed for an answer.

I finally decided to address this worry head-on. I said, "You know why. I've told you why."

Mom yelled about how she would never say that to me or any family member. Despite my long list of reasons why I minimized contact with her, she only remembered me telling her that she told me that I would "go to Hell."

I tried to calm her down to share my explanation, the explanation she asked for, but she would not hear it. She cried about how she was dying and needed me to do things for her. She talked about her health-related challenges that prevented her from caring for herself.

I reminded Mom that daily in-home nursing care was still an option. She reminded me that she quit that service because it was my responsibility to care for her. She did not want strangers in her house. She only needed me.

When I realized that she was getting worked up and would not stop yelling, I hung up. I decided it would not be in my best interest to stay any number of nights in her house.

Second Phone Call

A few hours later, Mom left a couple of voicemail messages. The first message was civil where she asked for my help to pay her property taxes. The second message was lengthy.

Mom said, "Is it going to be like this? Avoiding me for the rest of your life? Then you're punishing me, right? I don't know what I did big to deserve this punishment from you... I never swear to my kids. You said you got me in your record. I want to hear the record if I did say that."

Mom was referring to the fact that I recorded most of our phone calls. She is aware of this. I frequently recorded our conversations so that I could write an honest/truthful account of what we discussed in my private journal/diary.

I needed a reminder that I was not imagining things when Mom criticized me or wished for hurtful/harmful things to happen to me or my dogs. I used to delete the messages after writing a journal entry.

Unfortunately, I did not record the conversation in question. I started to second-guess my memory. I started to question my sanity. Did I remember the conversation accurately? Did Mom say those hurtful things to me? Was I overreacting and imagining the hurtful rant I claimed she made?

Dad reminded me that he heard that phone call. On that April day, he heard Mom yelling from his bedroom and came out to see what was going on. I had Mom on speaker phone. He heard everything. He also reminded me that I wasted no time documenting her words in my journal and through my retelling of the call to my friends and brother.

I decided to listen to the recordings I have saved since that April day. I had several recordings where Mom criticized me and wished for bad things to happen to me. It was reassuring to know that I was not imagining things. Mom verbally attacked me repeatedly.

I returned her call and started one of the recordings. Mom listened (while mumbling to herself about how this was wrong) until she heard herself tell me that "you are not going to have a good life and will go to Hell."

Mom started yelling, claiming that she never said that to me. I paused the recording and asked if she wanted to hear it. I reminded her that she asked to hear a recording. I let her know that this was just one of several recordings.

I pressed play. In the recording, Mom asked why I thought she would tell me to "go to Hell," and I said because I mentioned a name from the past. When I said his name again, Mom yelled about me being a liar. She proceeded to tell me that I would "go to Hell" for lying.

In present time, Mom yelled at me to stop playing the recording. I asked if she was sure since she was the one who asked me to hear it. I let her know that it was forty-four minutes of her yelling at me. Mom said I was lying, so I continued the recording.

Within a few minutes, Mom cried about how she did not remember saying any of those things to me. At this point, I felt fed up. I asked how she could not remember saying those things when she said it all the time. I had multiple recordings from this year where she said the same mean things to me. I told her that these were things she said to me most my life. How could she not remember saying her own words?

Mom apologized. She said, "I am sorry for everything, although I don't know what I did wrong." She also said that she does not do wrong as she is a good person.

She sobbed and struggled to catch her breath. She urged me to accept her apology. I did not want to, but I worried that she would need to be rushed to the emergency room if I did not say something to calm her down.

I told her that I accepted her apology.

Mom calmed down. She asked if I was still going to her house. I confirmed that I would be there to visit before the baby shower. She asked if I would stay a few nights. I said no.

She started crying again, asking why I would not stay with her after I accepted her apology. She needed me and I refused to be there for her.

I said that I accepted her apology, but that does not change the past or how did not trust her to belittle and criticize me again in the future. I would be there to visit, take care of her property tax, clean the house, and deliver the gift bags she wanted my niece to have.

After a moment of silence, Mom asked if I planned on spending Christmas with her. Maybe I should have lied, but I honestly (cruelly?) told her that I felt bad for never having spent a holiday with my large dog, so I chose to spend Christmas at home with my dogs since the large one was not allowed in her house.

Mom cried about how I loved my dogs more than her. She then cried about how I loved my Dad more than her. She complained about how I rushed to be by Dad's side when he was hospitalized years ago but never did the same for her.

My patience grew thin at this point. I interrupted her to remind her of all the times I stayed by her side when she was hospitalized, all the appointments I took her to and attended with her, the weeks I stayed to administer her medications, the vacations I treated her with, and more.

Mom laughed and said that she was "shocked and grateful" because she never thought I loved her. She then complained about how I changed this year and she wanted her "daughter back."

She said that I was physically hurting her and that she was about to have a heart attack because of me. I told her to take a nap and that the phone call was over. I then hung up.

Home Visit

The next day, I visited Mom a few hours before the baby shower. I dusted, reviewed and explained mail she did not understand, and got her property tax paid.

Mom spent the entire time love-bombing me. She said I lost weight, was more beautiful since the last time she saw me and laughed about how men must be fawning over me daily. I laughed internally since this was said by the same woman who always called me fat, told me I was ugly, said nobody would ever fall in love with my immaturity, and suggested ways for me to lighten my skin color. (In case it is helpful to know, Mom is a light-skinned Filipina, Dad is black, and I am a mix of the two.)

Mom complained about family. She said that my brother and sister-in-law plan to move to another city next year. Mom said my sister-in-law was taking her son away and abandoning her when she needed family the most.

She complained that the family never showed her the love she deserved. Again, I laughed internally because this was the same woman who admitted to avoiding my brother and sister-in-law every time they visited her.

Social Anxiety

I went to my niece's baby shower to show my love and support to her and the family. Externally, I was all smiles and participated in polite small talk. Internally, I was struggling with anxiety and wanted to hide.

As an introvert, I find social events challenging to deal with emotionally. (My therapist said my anxiety stemmed from my CPTSD.) It did not help that I felt so different from my extroverted family members. I felt like I did not fit in, especially when a few of my small talk attempts ended awkwardly. I wanted to hide in a corner and be a fly on the wall, but it was impossible to do so.

Heart Rate Alert on Smart Watch

After two hours, I was on the verge of having a panic attack. The family had about a hundred guests in attendance, and my heart raced the longer I stayed amongst a crowd of people I did not know. A severe storm was building overhead. People were asking why Mom did not attend.

After the second high heart rate alert from my smart watch, I decided to let my niece and the family members know that I was leaving. She escorted me to the front door where we found my brother face timing with Mom. My panic worsened. Mom asked me to bring her food. Before I could tell Mom that I was not going to bring her food, my niece offered to prepare a plate for me to deliver.

As my niece plated food for Mom, I struggled to remain steady. I could not breathe well. I could not take deep breaths. My hands trembled. My legs felt weak. I struggled to speak. I physically felt like I was deteriorating.

Despite my oncoming panic attack, I put on a smile. I hugged my niece. I apologized for leaving so soon. I told her that I loved her. I said that I was proud of the woman she had become. I wished she enjoyed her party.

I walked down the street past dozens of guests' parked vehicles. As soon as I sat in the driver's seat of my own vehicle, I finally broke down. I cried. I struggled breathing normally.

But I had to keep moving. I needed to deliver the food to Mom and hit the road before the storm worsened. I called Dad and spoke to him via Bluetooth to keep myself calm. He heard the hail hit the roof of my SUV. He suggested that I forgot about delivering the food to Mom, but I was close to her house. I did not see the point of driving in the opposite direction at that point.

When I arrived at Mom's house, I placed the food on her dining table. She urged me to stay the night with her. I politely refused. She said it was too dangerous to drive in such horrible weather. I agreed. She asked if I was willing to risk death to avoid staying with her. I shrugged. She asked me to stay. I said no and left.

I pulled into a parking lot and waited for the storm to lighten up. Once visibility improved, I drove to my hotel for the night. I made the reservation when I arrived earlier that day. It felt good to not drive hours home in horrible weather at night.

My Therapist's Request

I told my therapist everything, including additional information I omitted in this post. She listened to what I said, periodically asking me to elaborate or clarify a statement I made.

I felt heard but wondered what she thought about everything. For example, she appeared shocked when I told her that Mom apologized by admitting that she did not know what she was apologizing for since she did not do anything wrong.

 Did my therapist believe me? Did she think that I was crazy? I offered to share one or more of the phone recordings with her, but my therapist said there was no need.

At the end of our hour-long session, my therapist informed me that she was changing my treatment plan to focus on my anxiety. She then said, "I want you to limit your Mom in your life."

"Limit your Mom in your life." Those are words I never imagined a therapist would tell me.

What's Next?

Eventually, Mom will call asking me to visit and do something for her. Who knows? Maybe she would once again pressure me to explain why I minimized contact.

At this point, I do not know what is next. I do not know how I will handle the next phone call. All I know is that I will deal with it when it happens and hope I handle it well.

Comment below to share how you handled a worry that came true!

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Thanks, and have a great day!

~Simply Jelly Jam