2025: A Roller Coaster of a Year

Simply Jelly Jam
Dec 30, 2025
8 min read

Reflecting on the past year and how it left me emotionally drained.

As a self-reflection activity, I identified three highlights and three low points of my year. I also identified my goal for moving forward.

In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:

The Good
The Bad
My Goal for the Future
What's Next?

The Good

Below (in no particular order) are three things that I consider the highlights of my year.

1 - My Dogs' Improved Relationship

I adopted my large dog, Lucy, as a puppy months after my first dog, Shadow, passed away. While I felt ready to welcome another dog into my life, my small dog, Rascal, was not onboard initially.

I failed to consider how he felt about bringing another dog into our household after witnessing his best friend pass away a few months prior. We were both mourning Shadow (and we still mourn Shadow regularly). Rascal needed more time to mourn, but I mistakenly rushed him into living with another dog against his will.

Both dogs were civil with one another, but they did things separately. Rascal would growl at Lucy when she wanted to play, cuddle, or pet him. This turned out to be essential when Lucy went through her uncontrollable Velociraptor phase from six months to two years of age.

Fortunately, Rascal fully accepted Lucy. Rascal worried when Lucy had to stay at the veterinary clinic last fall for X-rays and other examinations. When she returned home, he stayed close to her side.

Before long, they were inseparable. Walks, mealtimes, appointments, and fun outings were done together instead of separately. I still gave them individual time and attention, but for the most part they want to be close to one another.

They still have their sibling squabbles, but they sort out their differences without intervention. For example, Lucy is slowly learning that Rascal hates when she pets him. Instead of growling, he now just walks away or turns his head when she extends her paw towards his head.

Because they finally became the friends I hoped for, overnight stays at hotels have become more pleasant.

2 - Overnight Trips

I was fortunate to go on a few multi-night trips with the dogs. Last April, I headed to Dallas, Texas to attend the Nintendo Switch 2 Experience. I enjoyed my time at the event playing the games and meeting like-minded gamers. However, my favorite part of the trip was meeting up with an old friend the day after the event for lunch and Lego building. Overall, it was a great weekend trip!

I visited family in another state during the summer. Spending time with the family was great. My anxiety acted up at times, but I fortunately did not experience any anxiety/panic attacks. It also helped that my dogs tagged along and kept me company.

For my last trip of the year, I headed to Austin, Texas to participate in an annual dog walk event with Lucy. I worried about her anxiety acting up, but she did remarkably well. She even socialized with many dogs and enjoyed a disc dog demonstration. I wanted to take Rascal along with us, but the event only allowed one dog per person.

My anxiety was non-existent during the dog walk event, probably because I was receiving professional help dealing with my worries and more.

3 - Much Needed Therapy

After years of anxiety/panic attacks, verbal abuse, bad flashbacks, and health-related issues, I finally sought therapy to better manage my mental health.

My therapist provided suggestions for anxiety management, tips for establishing relationship boundaries, and insight on things I never really took the time to think about or evaluate. She helped me see things differently or from different perspectives.

I will share my lengthy thoughts about therapy after four months (look for the post sometime in January). Therapy was good. Unfortunately, it was also difficult to go through.

The Bad

Below (in no particular order) are the three lowest points of my year.

1 - Difficult Therapy Sessions

Recounting bad memories and negative feelings on a weekly basis left me feeling emotionally drained. I cried at every session.

I considered quitting therapy numerous times because it was difficult to face my feelings. Life feels easier when I ignore negative thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, it got to the point this year where I could not suppress my memories and emotions.

I struggled to accept my Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) diagnosis. I knew about my depression and anxiety, but I never imagined that my youth was bad enough to label. I even attempted to argue with my therapist about giving me a premature diagnosis, but she used my own words to point out textbook examples of childhood trauma.

Talking about my memories and current worries was difficult. However, it feels good to get things off my chest. It feels good to talk about a memory or concern without fear of angering the person listening to me. It feels good to be heard. Unfortunately, attending therapy caused even more suppressed memories to resurface.

Again, I will share my thoughts about therapy in more detail next month. In short, I have not given up on therapy, but it is not easy for me to continue with it each week.

2 - Strained Relationship with Mom

If you have read some of my past blog posts, you may have noticed long before I did that my relationship with Mom was always strained.

I started noticing the signs last year surrounding Mom's hospitalizations. Mom blamed me for her hospitalizations (not her decades of chain smoking and poor health care). Mom criticized my appearance, complained about my disobedience, and more. She even admitted in January and August of 2024 that she did not love me.

Following my stay at her house in winter of 2024, I decided to minimize contact with Mom. For example, instead of calling her daily as she always insisted, I only called weekly. I decided to focus on my happiness despite feeling guilty and selfish for doing so.

Our relationship became more strained after Mom's rant last April. I called her significantly less often, fueling her anger and loneliness. She often yelled at me for holding a grudge and not putting her needs and wants before my own.

By September, I felt angry after every phone call where Mom lied about past events that I had proof of. By October, I felt emotionally drained every time she attempted to manipulate me into doing what she wanted through more lies, gaslighting, and guilt tripping. By November, I felt done. Not angry. Not sad. Simply done.

Thanks to therapy, I am learning to recognize behavioral patterns I could not see previously. There were many times, several documented in my private journal/diary or publicly through blog posts on this website, where Mom criticized, manipulated, or verbally abused me.

Mom always demanded that I catered to her needs and wants. After all, I was taught that it was my responsibility as a daughter to care for her and put her first. It was my purpose in life.

Mom played a huge role in my poor mental health. However, I sometimes wonder if she also played a role, albeit small, during my health scare last February.

3 - Health Scare

My emergency room (ER) visit last February was the worst and scariest thing to happen to me in 2025. I initially believed my feeling ill stemmed from an annoying phone call with Mom, but now I wonder if my health issues started the year prior when I ignored my self-care to focus on Mom.

I felt worried when told that I had sepsis and went into septic shock. I felt terrified when doctor told me that had I not gone to the ER that day, I would not have lived to see the end of that week.

The doctor said I needed to be admitted overnight. Since there were no beds available at that hospital, he wanted to have me transferred to another hospital with availability. After a short discussion, we agreed that I could go home with medication if I agreed to return to the ER if there were no signs of improvement within a day or two.

I later learned from my primary care provider (PCP) that I had a kidney infection. My kidney was a cause for concern. After medical labs and tests, I fortunately learned earlier this month that my kidneys are fine, but there may be a minor concern with my liver.

I spent most of this year scared about my health. I did not fear death, but I feared that I potentially wasted my short-ish life accommodating Mom's wants and needs instead of living life with a greater focus on myself. I gave up a lot of opportunities to make sure I was readily available when Mom needed me.

My health scare, strained relationship with Mom, and difficult therapy sessions helped me realize that I needed to make a change in my life.

My Goal for the Future

I learned that I need to prioritize myself.

While it is easy to for me to say it, doing it may be challenging. I was taught to put Mom before myself. I was taught to think about Mom before I think about me or anyone else. I was taught that even thinking about myself first was selfish and inconsiderate of others' wants and needs.

I want to put my old teachings behind me.

The main thing I need to do is maintain my physical health. I have already modified my diet, food portion sizes, and exercise routine. More importantly, I need to lose weight within the next three months.

My PCP believes that my weight may be applying unnecessary pressure on my liver resulting in the "abnormal" lab results. The hope is that by losing weight, my next set of labs will return normal. If not, then my PCP assured me that medication should take care of things.

To motivate myself to stay physically healthy, I also need to work on improving my mental health. Since I struggle to not feel guilty for my thoughts and actions, I plan to continue with therapy for another six months. I want to learn how to manage my anxiety, resurfaced memories, and challenges setting boundaries with Mom.

I will document everything on my mind in my private journal/diary. While I can forgive and move on, I do not want to forget. I am a firm believer that history can repeat itself. By documenting my memories, I can reflect on my entries and hopefully learn to avoid repeating mistakes in the future.

Lastly, I will continue my blog. I sometimes considered quitting because I feel embarrassed and guilty for using it as an outlet to vent about my side of a story. However, I sometimes receive comments and emails from readers thanking me for sharing my stories.

If there is a chance that my posts are entertaining, relatable, or helpful to others, then I will continue sharing my stories. I do tend to feel an emotional weight lifted off my shoulders when I write about what is stuck on my mind at the time.