A Frustrating Dream
A dream based on realism.
Have any of your dreams left you feeling frustrated after you woke up? Well, I recently had such a dream that bothered me enough to write it down. I wanted to share the dream and hopefully forget about it after today.
(This is a lengthy post with a lot of venting towards the end.)
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
The Setting
Relatives rented a vacation home for my mom's eightieth birthday celebration. I was not involved in the milestone planning, but I was invited. Mom did not know that I would be in attendance.
I arrived after a long drive and headed straight to my room. My room was technically a guest house outside of the main house. I took time to unpack my luggage before meeting up with a cousin to surprise mom.
I felt nervous as an introvert with social anxiety (although my therapist believes I am socially avoidant due to childhood trauma), but I was there to celebrate mom.
Being Yelled At
I met up with a cousin who gave me a tour of the property and introduced me to relatives I never met. My anxiety was present, but not bad. It felt good to be welcomed by relatives I never believed had a reason to care about me.
We made our way into the house to surprise mom. My heart skipped a few beats when I saw her. I was not looking forward to seeing mom. I did not look forward to seeing the woman who berated me my entire life and put me in horrible situations as a child. But I was there for her. I was there to support and celebrate her.
One of my aunts, a couple of relatives I never met, and my late maternal grandmother (who sometimes visits family in my dreams since her passing over two decades ago) accompanied mom. My aunt held mom's arm and elbow to provide support while mom walked. Mom was actually using her oxygen instead of suffering without it. It was good to see that mom, who is normally alone, was surrounded by family.
My cousin called out to mom. She was excited for mom to see me. I smiled when mom looked my way, but my smile quickly faded.
Mom yelled that she did not want to see me. She was mad at me for what I did. I and others asked what I did, but mom never elaborated. She simply said that I knew what I did that made her mad.
I felt confused. I said, "What did I do? Help me understand what I did." But mom yelled about how I knew what I did wrong. Eventually, she struggled to breathe despite using her oxygen. She finally yelled, "I don't want you here! I don't want to see you! Go away! Leave!"
I stood silent and motionless for a moment. My aunt yelled at me to leave already. This aunt never yelled at me before. I looked at her sharp gaze before noticing other relatives glaring at me. I rushed away holding back tears.
Feeling Frustrated
I returned to my room and packed my stuff. I felt so lost and confused. What did I do now, according to mom? I assured myself that everything was fine because I no longer wanted to be there.
My cousin came into my room without knocking. She asked, "What did you do to auntie?" Without looking at her, I shrugged.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe she's still angry because I brought up one of her affair partner's names during a phone call a few years ago. Maybe she's angry because I went low contact with her after she told me I would live a lonely life and go to hell. Maybe she's angry because I no longer listen to her constant criticism of my lifestyle or skin color anymore."
(For context, in case it is relevant and you have not read past posts, mom is a light-skinned Filipina while dad is a dark-skinned black man. I am a mix of the two who is lighter than dad but quite darker than mom. Mom hates that I am his color. She often told me to "lighten" my skin or I would never be liked by others.)
While packing, I vented about mom's past, things mom always told me to keep secret. Things I will not repeat publicly or to relatives in real life.
I brought up terrible memories from my childhood. I complained about mom's controlling nature. I ranted about how she kept me sheltered and did not allow me to have a life outside of the house. I vented about everything related to mom that came to mind.
My cousin walked away without saying a word. I was not finished unloading my trauma onto her. I assumed I overwhelmed her and came across as a liar. I probably seemed unhinged and emotionally unstable. I did not care.
I stepped outside to load my luggage into my vehicle but stopped at the doorway as lightning danced across the night sky. A thunderstorm was on its way.
It did not seem safe to make a long drive at night during bad weather, so I slept with the intent to leave first thing in the morning.
Leaving
My cousin woke me with a knock on the door. I assumed she was angry that I did not leave the day prior as mom wanted. Instead, she asked if I was alright as soon as I opened the door for her.
I was stunned that she was worried about me and not mom. I have been distant from relatives for decades, especially since drama mom started when I was a teenager, which resulted in relatives cutting contact with us (me by association).
My cousin was grateful I stayed, but I explained that I still planned to leave. She seemed sad but wished me safe travels.
Not long after she left, another cousin came by to check on me. Then another wanted to make sure I was alright. Eventually a few more cousins came by to see how I was doing. One helped load my luggage into my vehicle.
I once again felt confused. I was not close to any of my cousins. I have not spoken to any of them since my uncle's funeral nearly ten years ago. As far as I assumed, they had no reason to care about me since I never made effort to keep in touch with anyone.
One cousin asked if there was anything she and the other cousins could do for me. I thought about it and said yes.
I asked if they could help me avoid mom while I went to say hi and bye to our late grandmother. My cousins agreed. Several walked ahead to make sure the coast was clear.
I saw my grandmother. She looked sad. I held back tears as I hugged her. I told her I will always love her. I was glad I got to see and hold her again. She smiled and nodded. I rubbed her back before walking away.
I was on a long drive to another city to be with my dad and dogs. They were enjoying their own vacation away from mom (dad despises mom, his ex-wife), but close enough for me to get to if/when things got bad. Obviously, things got bad.
During the drive, I received a call from my cousin. Mom was furious. I assumed it was because I offloaded her secret past to my cousin. That was not the case.
Mom was angry that I did not apologize to her in front of everyone. She was furious that I did as she demanded and left. She never actually wanted me to leave.
I asked what I did to upset her so I could determine if it was worthy of an apology. Apparently, mom made things up on the spot. She was not actually mad at me for anything. She wanted to show relatives that I was not the "perfect" daughter she used to describe me as, but I was "good" enough to make things right by apologizing for my faults and submitting to her.
My cousin said mom admitted to these things after being questioned by her and the other cousins.
Well, that is where my dream ended.
My Reality
In real life, I have distanced myself from mom which upsets her. In April 2025, I limited contact significantly.
Instead of visiting monthly or every other week, often in secrecy so that my brother and his family did not know I was in town, I only visited her four times in the past year-and-a-half. I visited her three times last year and once this year on her birthday, but not on any major holidays. I stayed at her house for a minimum of a half hour and no longer than a few hours. Sometimes we spend time together, but most of the time she left me alone to lay in bed and take a nap.
Instead of daily phone calls, I only called weekly. When I moved to my current hometown, mom insisted on me calling daily. She even called the cops on me once when I missed a day because I was overwhelmed with work. Daily phone calls will no longer happen, especially since mom usually criticizes me or complains about family during those calls. It is always a one-sided, one voice phone call.
Instead of patiently listening to mom criticize me, I set boundaries about her limiting or quitting her complaints. For example, she hated that I left my career/full-time salaried job in higher education AFTER she learned how much I earned. Since then, she complained that I need to go back to a "real" job instead of the creative gigs I choose to do.
I used to let her rant, but this year I started acknowledging her disappointment and asked her to change the topic. Initially, she refused to change the topic and raised her voice because I was 'not listening' to her.
Per my therapist's advice, I started clearly letting mom know that I was finished talking about the topic and wanted to move on. If she continued after one or two more reminders that I no longer wanted to discuss it, I would end the call.
On my birthday last May, for example, I hung up after I told her three times (a "three strikes" method I adopted) that I listened to her complaint and wanted to move on from the conversation. She left me a nasty voicemail message immediately after saying I changed.
I followed through on this method several times earlier in the year followed by angry voicemail messages from her. She has followed this boundary since my birthday “hang up.”
Mom often complained that she did not know who I am because I have "changed." I was no longer obedient. I was not the "child" she raised. I did not turn out the way she tried to mold me to be.
It would not be surprising if she yelled at me in front of relatives to embarrass me and make me look bad. After all, this is the same woman who faked a health event (dramatic collapse followed by screams) during my late uncle's funeral because my aunt, his widow, "was getting too much attention." She admitted this to me on the ride home after asking if I could take her to the casino and give her gambling money.
I would not be surprised if mom would yell at me in front of relatives expecting me to grovel at her feet with apologies. Because she is worried about her appearance to others, she assumes I also worry about what others think of me.
I once worried about what others thought of me. I am done worrying. I know the truth. I know my past. I know HER past. Who cares what others believe? It is my word against hers after all. Just one side or perspective of an old story.
I believe I had this dream because of recent voicemail messages and phone calls with mom. She tries so hard to make me feel bad for her.
She complained about being lonely when she is the one avoiding family when they visit her. She complained about not breathing well when she is the one not using her oxygen like she is supposed to do. She complained that I am not a good daughter and that I am not providing her with the physical care she needs after she turned away in-home nurse care.
She admitted that she wants me around, I assume like an emotional support or service dog. She confessed that I should be there to comfort her. I should keep her company. I should complete household tasks and chores without being asked. I should be her healthcare provider because that is my responsibility and purpose in life as a daughter. I should remain obedient and only do as she say, "without talking back."
For decades, I agreed with her sentiment. I felt that I owed her my life for no other reason than the fact that she is my mom. Family helps family.
But resurfaced bad memories like one of her domestic violence events and the time I nearly drowned at a babysitter's house are not easy to forget.
Mom never acknowledged anything bad from the past happening. In fact, she denied any of those things happened. I have been called a liar so many times. This is why I assumed my cousin did not believe my rants in the dream. Mom has told me that nobody would believe me. Nobody would trust my words over hers.
Mom's constant criticism deters me from wanting to do more than the few things I already do like making sure her bills are paid monthly or ordering her things she asked for but will reject later because it was not exactly what she wanted. The new phone I bought last year and the backscratchers I bought this year are just two things that come to mind.
I always wanted mom to at least acknowledge the past. I once hoped for an apology, but the last apology I received from her was when she said, "..." I recently realized that will never happen. She rewrote the past the way she wanted in her head. I am the one cursed with the memory of the truth as I witnessed and lived it.
My health scare last year is the biggest reason I changed according to mom. She does not know I was in an emergency room (ER) gurney because I had sepsis and developed septic shock. I will never tell her after how she made mention of my ER visit in 2008 about herself. She never cared about how I was. She only cared about how I would be unable to care for her.
While I lay in the ER, I had time to reflect on my life. After all, my life flashed before my eyes. I realized that I lived my life for mom and not for myself. There were very few choices in life that I made just for me. Most decisions in life revolved around what I thought mom wanted.
I am focusing more on me now, and mom expressed her complaints about how I no longer devote all of myself to her.
I cannot see myself becoming mom's primary caretaker as we once planned on. Because of that, mom will always be angry with me. And I will likely feel frustrated by her for years to come.
What's Next?
I am grateful to have reflected on my dream, past experiences, and feelings in writing. It is always eye-opening to write things out opposed to keeping things within. It helped me put past and current events in perspective. If I am lucky, I will forget about this dream after a few days.
If you remember a dream when you wake up, consider documenting it in something like a dream journal. It may open your eyes to a lingering worry or a secret desire that you should look into!
Comment below to share a dream that left you feeling emotional!
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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