12 Months of Therapy: My Expectations vs. Reality
Therapy was not exactly how I imagined it.
Have you ever felt emotionally overwhelmed to the point that you struggled to make rational decisions in life?
I felt this way last year, so I sought professional help with hopes of managing my emotions better. This post focuses on my thoughts and experiences in therapy.
In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:
Mini Disclaimer
My therapy experience and thoughts may (and most likely will) differ from yours and others' experiences and thoughts.
I am not a professional who knows what I am talking about when it comes to therapy. I simply wanted to share my experience in case it may be relatable, helpful, or interesting to anyone reading this.
If you are thinking about seeking therapy/counseling, I wish you all the best. Consider checking with your health insurance and/or primary care provider first in case they can guide you on the right path for getting started.
You can also check with your local college or university to see if they offer free or cheap services.
Why I Sought Therapy
In short, I sought therapy following resurfaced traumatic memories, anxiety attacks, and mom's constant verbal abuse.
One day, I reached a mental breaking point and asked my primary care physician for guidance. I needed professional, outside help to keep me sane and grounded.
If you are curious about my journey starting from the initial therapist search, check out one or both of the following blog posts:
Feeling Emotionally Drained - Reaching my breaking point.
My First Month of Therapy - The search for a therapist and initial diagnosis.
4 Months of Therapy: My Thoughts and Experience - My first few sessions, wanting to quit, changes, and breakthroughs.
At the bottom of this page are "Related Posts" that may also interest you. Therapy is a part of life for the time being, so I may continue to have more to say about it in the future.
Expectation vs. Reality
-Feeling Crazy
I heard from adult figures in my life claim that therapy was for weak-minded and clinically insane people. I assumed therapy was for crazies. The thought of going to therapy made me feel weak, faulty, and inadequate.
Last year, I struggled to manage my emotional state following a health scare, repeated verbal abuse from my mom, and an anxiety attack during jury duty. I reached an emotional breaking point and decided to seek therapy.
After a few sessions, I came to my senses and realized that I was not crazy. Well, at least I am no more crazy than most other people.
I, like many adults, struggled to make sense of situations and handle them without wanting to rip my hair out. My therapist provided me with guidance and suggestions for making changes to my lifestyle and relationships.
I was not going crazy. I simply struggled to determine how to handle different situations.
-Venting Sessions
I assumed therapy was about venting. I assumed my therapist would only ask annoying repetitive questions about my feelings ("How does that make you feel?") and nothing more.
Yes, I did vent at times, but there was more to it than that.
In reality, a lot of therapy was about exploring my feelings and evaluating past events with guidance from my therapist. Outside of therapy, I reflected on the conversations my therapist and I had about my anxiety or something else. I considered suggestions for changes to determine if they were right for me.
"Conversation" is the key word that I wanted to stress here. Sure, my therapist has asked, "how does that make you feel?" But she mostly asked clarification questions to better understand what I told her. She then asked questions that sometimes encouraged me to see things from a different perspective.
My therapist regularly made suggestions for changes and self-improvements. She sometimes suggested readings for me to learn about terminology mentioned during our conversations.
We brainstormed different scenarios for dealing with challenges in my life. We talked through things which felt helpful when I reflected on our conversations later or came face-to-face with a challenge we prepared for.
But that was not the case in the beginning.
-Wasted Time
Initially, my therapist gave me lecturettes about research papers related to my experiences. She often recited excerpts from DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). It felt like I received information that I could have searched for online.
My therapist encouraged me to complete exercises in The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by E. J. Bourne. I bought a used copy of the book and completed the exercises between sessions, but it felt like a waste of time when the exercises did not change how I felt about myself or any given situation. I was also able to find a lot of the exercises for free online.
For the first month or two, I regretted seeking professional help. I wanted to quit.
I never told my therapist I was unhappy with how things were going. I kept with it because my dad asked me to give it time. I stayed for him.
One day, after describing an emotionally stressful event, my therapist said she would change my treatment plan. I did not realize I was on a "treatment plan." She never said it aloud. What she meant was that we would change how we approached our sessions and how she responded to our conversations.
As I mentioned earlier, our sessions have been more conversational rather than tutorial. With time, I felt like I was speaking with and learning from a professional knowledgeable in topics related to me.
No, I did not always agree with the things she said or suggested, but I appreciated hearing what she had to say. Her suggestions were just that: suggestions. They were comments I took into consideration and thought about between sessions.
-Narrowed Focus
I sought therapy to address what I believed was social anxiety. I assumed we would only address times when I felt anxious or had an attack.
In reality, my therapist and I addressed EVERYTHING of concern in my life. We discussed, in detail, my depression, Complex PTSD, anxiety, resurfaced traumatic memories, and more. All topics were welcomed at any time. There were no limits with my therapist.
-Short Experience
I assumed that I would only need to attend a few therapy sessions over a few months to address my anxiety. After I purchased and read the book my therapist recommended, I assumed that I would walk away sooner than later with the tools to make improvements.
Boy, was I wrong.
If I did not have a good therapist, I imagine I would have ended therapy months ago. Fortunately, I respect and trust my therapist's expertise. I listen to and consider everything she says, even if I do not agree with an idea or suggestion she shared. I am invested in learning and making improvements to my mental health.
Because I am satisfied working with her, I still attend therapy regularly. It seems progress is slow to build and develop.
I met with her weekly for the first six months. I currently see her every other week.
We discussed changing the schedule moving forward. She reassured me that we could meet as often as I wanted. She has patients who meet with her monthly, annually, or on an as-needed basis.
It feels good to have options. I do not believe I would need to continue meeting every other week, but I know I am not mentally ready to only to reduce sessions significantly.
Changes and Breakthroughs
Speaking with my therapist about whatever was on my mind any given day felt stress-relieving after sessions ended. I felt like an emotional wreck during the sessions.
I had a lot of bottled-up emotions. My therapist's office became my safe place to release it. I cry often, but now only a few tears fall unlike the never-ending waterworks when I started a year ago.
We tried different ways to help me cope with the past, present, and future struggles. I often tried implementing some of my therapist's suggestions.
Some suggestions were difficult to stick with longer than one or two attempts, like role-playing. Others made aspects of my life more... tolerable. A few (setting firm boundaries and handling mom's outbursts) made significant differences in my life.
I went from feeling guilty and ruminating on past experiences to feeling mostly content and happy. Like, genuinely happy. An extended level of happiness I have not felt since childhood.
There are still times when I ruminate on the past, feel guilty about my actions, feel sad about situations I could have handled differently, and feel anxious about worst case scenarios that could happen. But my therapist and I are working on those internal challenges.
My Plan Going Forward
I plan to continue sessions every other week through January of next year. Something tells me that the end of this year would be extra stressful based on past winter holidays spent with mom.
In January or February, I may switch to monthly sessions. It will depend on how I feel at the time. My therapist and I still have a lot to address and work on.
We have not addressed my anxiety as a whole. Yes, we addressed and continue to work on my anxiety related to mom. However, I sought therapy to work on my social anxiety.
I believe I am an introvert, but my therapist believes I was conditioned to adopt an introvert's lifestyle due to traumatic childhood experiences. While I disagree with my therapist, I am willing to evaluate it further in the future. I would not mind if it turned out that my beliefs are wrong.
I do not know when I would quit therapy. I know it is not going to be within the next year. Maybe I will quit when I stop crying during sessions, when my heart stops racing when a traumatic memory resurfaces, or when my anxiety is close to non-existent.
Realistically, I will only quit when I can no longer afford the co-pay or years after mom - my main source of stress, depression, and anxiety - passes on. Knowing mom's stubbornness, she has years or decades ahead of her. I am sure she will stick around for her grandkids and great-grandkids.
What's Next?
If you are emotionally drained, I highly encourage you to seek therapy or attempt your own self-therapy through reflective hobbies like writing.
If you are thinking about seeking therapy/counseling, I wish you all the best. Consider checking with your health insurance and/or primary care provider first in case they can guide you on the right path for getting started. You can also check with your local college or university to see if they offer free or cheap services.
Comment below to share your thoughts or concerns about going to therapy!
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Thanks, and have a great day!
~Simply Jelly Jam
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