Sharing my thoughts after pursuing therapy. Do I believe it is worthwhile?

Have you ever felt emotionally overwhelmed to the point that you struggled to make rational decisions in life?

I felt this way last year, so I sought professional help with hopes of managing my emotions better. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences after four months of therapy.

In case it's helpful, below are the main points covered in this post:

• Mini Disclaimer

• Why I Sought Therapy

• The Search

• The First Two Sessions

• A Roller Coaster of Emotions

• Changes and Breakthroughs

• My Plans Going Forward

• What's Next?

Mini Disclaimer

My therapy experience and thoughts may (and most likely will) differ from yours and others' experiences and thoughts.

I am not a professional who knows what I am talking about when it comes to therapy. I simply wanted to share my experience in case it may be relatable, helpful, or interesting to anyone reading this.

If you are thinking about seeking therapy/counseling, I wish you all the best. Consider checking with your health insurance and/or primary care provider first in case they can guide you on the right path for getting started.. You can also check with your local college or university to see if they offer free or cheap services.

Why I Sought Therapy

After my Mom laid a hurtful rant on me last April, I started to feel emotionally overwhelmed. I realized that Mom always criticized, demeaned, gaslit, and belittled me my entire life. Things escalated over the past three years.

After a series of frustrating phone calls with Mom that left me feeling emotionally drained, I realized I reached my breaking point. I needed help. Professional help. I no longer had the patience to deal with Mom without guidance.

The Search

I fortunately knew to reach out to my primary care physician (PCP) for guidance. I was provided a long list of providers to research on my own. It was easy to narrow my options once I decided what I wanted in a provider:

• I wanted a licensed provider.

• I wanted a provider who accepted my health insurance plan.

• I wanted a provider who offered face-to-face (not virtual) sessions locally.

• I wanted a provider that offered individual (not group) sessions.

I pulled up providers' websites to review their mission statements, services/specialties, reviews, and frequently asked questions. I figured I needed a provider who specialized in anxiety, and I eventually found the first therapist I wanted to try.

After I checked for an appointment availability with the provider I chose, I let my PCP know so that she could forward a referral. My insurance paid a large portion of the therapy costs. I paid my typical co-pay amount per session.

I shared wordy explanations for my search process in My First Month of Therapy blog post.

The First Two Sessions

I was hesitant to attend therapy. I heard from adult figures in my life that therapy was for weak-minded and clinically crazy people. The thought of going to therapy made me feel weak, faulty, and inadequate.

But I reached a point in my life when I felt fed up and needed help.

The first session was a lot like an introductory icebreaker and evaluation. My therapist introduced herself, shared her credentials, and briefly described her approach to therapy.

She then asked me a series of questions related to my educational background, professional experiences, and medical history. I answered honestly and elaborated with details when asked to do so.

My therapist asked additional questions during the second session. I again answered honestly, providing examples and elaborating when she prompted me to do so.

It was during the second session when my therapist addressed my "treatment plan." In my case, she diagnosed me with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) due to childhood trauma. She confirmed that it triggered my anxiety and anxiety/panic attacks.

I shared more details about my first four weeks of therapy in My First Month of Therapy blog post.

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

My first month of therapy felt like a waste of time. My therapist recited excerpts from various print materials such as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by E. J. Bourne. In my head, I could find these resources on my own at home for free.

I wrote about a couple of worksheet activities I completed during my first month of therapy. I wrote about feeling ugly in answer to a "Mistaken Beliefs" activity to boost my self-esteem. I wrote about a worrying activity in answer to a "Worry Worksheet" activity to reduce my anxiety.

The activities felt like a waste of time. I felt good for a few minutes but went back to my old way of thinking not long afterwards.

I regretted seeking professional help. Every information and worksheet activity she gave me were available for free online. I also felt like I was wasting money on co-pay when I could have spent it on buying several print materials on anxiety.

And yet I cried every session. I spoke about suppressed memories I forgot about until I made the effort to remember them. Sadness, confusion, and anger were the three emotions that overwhelmed me during most sessions.

I would leave a session feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. Therapy did not seem worthwhile when it made me feel devastated and frustrated.

Dad encouraged me to stick with it through the end of the year. Having attended therapy himself many years ago, Dad said it would take time before I saw the benefits of attending.

Changes and Breakthroughs

One day, I started a session by describing in detail about an emotionally stressful event that happened to me a few days prior when my worry came true. My therapist listened carefully, only interrupting to ask clarification questions. When I finished venting, she then asked questions that encouraged me to view things differently.

At the end of that session, my therapist said that she was changing my treatment plan. She suggested a change that several former colleagues suggested to me years ago. I finally realized that I should consider it since so many people told me the same thing.

From that point forward, I was invested in therapy. I wanted to bring up different scenarios and concerns with my therapist. I wanted to receive her guidance.

I still spent every session (except for one!) in tears. More suppressed memories resurfaced as my therapist and I reviewed excerpts from various print materials. Emotions were high during each session.

For a long time, I felt guilty about past events and current decisions. For example, I felt guilty every time Mom cried about being lonely.

I felt guilty for not putting my disdain for her repetitive verbal abuse aside. I felt guilty for not forgetting the past. I felt guilty for not rushing to her side to keep her company despite the emotional stress I knew I would endure.

My therapist helped me realize, by asking questions I had to answer myself, that "guilt" was the wrong word to use. I felt empathy for Mom, something she never expressed for me.

My therapist and I brainstormed different scenarios for dealing with Mom and other stressful aspects of my life. We discussed ways for me to manage my anxiety and avoid attacks.

We talked a lot. I learned that I hate role-playing, but we gave it a try for a short while. We tried different ways to help me cope with the past, present, and future struggles.

I started to trust and respect my therapist's expertise.

There were times when I did not understand or completely agree with what my therapist said, but we were able to talk through things professionally. No topic was off-limits. In one rare case, we agreed to disagree about how I should handle a specific situation.

No matter what I thought about my therapist's words, I tried implementing some of suggestions. Some things were difficult to stick with longer than one attempt. Others made aspects of my life more... tolerable.

Once I started looking at everything differently, I started feeling regretful. I regretted not seeing things as they were long ago. I regretted not seeking therapy sooner. I regretted not sharing my worst memories with a trustworthy person before therapy.

I had a lot of bottled-up emotions. My therapist's office became my safe place to release it. She knows things about me and my past that I have never told a soul. I feel like I can move on from some (not all) memories without ruminating on them.

I started researching terminologies she brought up during sessions. I made it a point to learn, examine how it relates to my past or current events or concerns, and talk to my therapist about it to make sure I understood the information correctly.

My Plans Going Forward

For the next month or two, I plan to continue with weekly therapy sessions. I hope that will provide me with enough time to evaluate my progress and decide if I should switch to monthly sessions.

I want to believe that all is well and I can quit therapy soon. After all, I feel happier when I am home. I have yet to ruminate on bad memories. I do not stress over current events.

Realistically, I still struggle emotionally with each session. Parts of the past still hurt. I am good at avoiding memories at home, but I cannot seem to ignore how they make me feel in therapy.

Maybe I will consider quitting when I can go through several sessions without shedding a tear.

What's Next?

If you are emotionally drained, I highly encourage you to seek therapy or attempt your own self-therapy through reflective hobbies like writing.

If you are thinking about seeking therapy/counseling, I wish you all the best. Consider checking with your health insurance and/or primary care provider first in case they can guide you on the right path for getting started. You can also check with your local college or university to see if they offer free or cheap services.

Comment below to share your thoughts or concerns about going to therapy!

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Thanks, and have a great day!

~Simply Jelly Jam